Losing Myself in Motherhood

“Everything has changed and yet I’m more me than I’ve ever been”- Iain Thomas.

YES! Hands opened up to the skies! This quote says it all. If you were to ask me over 3 years ago if I would ever lose myself, I would have given you my RBF. Something changes you when you realize the importance and trust God has in you to give you the responsibility to raise a human being-his creation.

From the moment I became a mother, I lived and breathed my child- quite possibly in an unhealthy sort of way. Everything was about my child. My google searches were no longer about how to straighten my second toe or how to grow my hair faster, but about what green poop meant and how to still make money without leaving my child for more than 1 minute. It would be 2pm before I realized I didn’t eat all day and it would be 6 days before I realized I hadn’t pooped all week. All I thought about was her. Before I became a mom, I would go to bed at 8pm..and when I realized that meant less time spent with my child, I moved my bedtime to a much later time because I couldn’t stand a minute without her in my arms.

IMG_1644

I lost myself.

After 14 weeks on maternity leave, I had to go back to teaching. I was a mess. What used to be my dream job, became hours of staring at a clock just waiting for the moment I could go pick up my baby. The nights that she went to bed early, I would cry-I would cry for the lack of time I got to spend with her. Who my husband once knew, disappeared; at one point he told me our home felt as if someone had died..but little did he know, losing those hours in the day with my baby, killed a piece of me.

15420477576_072b5cbef7_o.jpg

Like I said, I lost myself. 

After praying and taking a leap of faith, I decided to join my mom in her daycare so I didn’t have to lose another second with my child- doing a job I told myself I would never do.

Like I said, I lost myself. 

My second came along-and so did the real meaning of losing myself. With 5 months of a colic child, my identity was so blurred, I was unrecognizable to myself. I went through the day with the main goal of getting to 7pm. I had no purpose each day, other than the purpose to survive and keep the littles alive. I wished the days away and prayed that time would speed up and that this child, who I barely knew, would grow out of this stage and into the child I imagined. It eventually happened, but during that time..

28863599776_2c690dc2d9_o

I lost myself. 

When you lose yourself, you find yourself. And that’s exactly what I did. Don’t get me wrong, I have always been a happy mother. But it became my only identity. I could tell myself I was a good mom, but what I couldn’t say was that I was a good wife. Because during that time I only knew how to be one thing. My husband never complained, it’s as if he expected it. It’s as if he knew in his heart I not only lost myself but that I was also more Britt than he had ever known. Because the crazy silly side of me, shined brighter than he had ever seen it. The smile across my face grew so big my cheeks would hurt by bedtime. I couldn’t watch a commercial about a baby or a mother without bursting into tears. I no longer could watch the news because it broke me up, and those sad Instagram accounts about sick children, had to be unfollowed for me to stay sane.

You see, motherhood changes you. It can make you feel content and insane all at the same time. It can make you question everything you ever thought to be true. It can make you a mess of happy tears and a mess of sad tears in the matter of a minute. But do you want to know what is so special about motherhood? Your children don’t see the insane side of you, they don’t see the survival mode you might be in, they don’t see the mom who lost herself. They see you as you, because after all, to them you didn’t lose yourself, no, to them, you’re everything they’ve ever needed. 

IMG_0782

One thought on “Losing Myself in Motherhood”

  1. This is absolutely beautiful! I am currently feeling this way. I went to school to be a teacher and searched tirelessly for my first teaching job until I found out I was pregnant. Now that my little guy is four weeks old, I’m not even sure if that is the route I want to go anymore. I feel so much more like me, but also so distant from myself. It’s such a strange dichotomy, but I have to say, I love the mom-me much more than I ever loved the old me. Peace and love to you, mama.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s